Am I the Drama?

  It’s interesting it’s 11:55 as I begin to write this. 11, manifestation and a new beginning. 55, a massive change. Which is exactly what I have been going through for the past year. I’m not going to lie, the past year has been one of the hardest years of my life and it was all internal. My mental health was at the worst it’s ever been, I’ve had to slow down and make a lot of changes with my business. I physically was not myself and had to self isolate. I had a few manic episodes that I thank God came back from okay. Went through a couple psychic attacks and questioned spirituality a lot. 

   I’ve experienced depression a few times in my life but this time was different. I was more self aware and spiritually awakened this time, which doesn’t make it easier. When I was in my teen years, I had a lot of excuses and distractions. Back then, depression wasn’t even going to be a topic of discussion with my parents. I adopted that laugh everything off and make morbid jokes attitude to get by. In college, well it’s college. Substance abuse, there’s no other way to really say it. Escapism at its finest until reality hit, and I had to aDuLt.

   Then the spiritual awakening happened and I had a massive lifestyle change. Having a spiritual business also really made my whole entire life became about spirituality (which is really kind of misaligned with my virgo north node but we will get into that next time). I went through the first ego deaths and tower moments. There was a lot of healing I had to face in my hometown, I moved into my first apartment. I was at a thriving point in my life, that told my innerchild I was done. My middle school science teacher would be screaming at me right now. She used to never let us say that we were “done or finished”, “you’re not done until you’re dead!!”, she would say. She was right. 

   Living alone for the first time, I had no physical authority or reflection for my self sabotage. When my health started to decline, I didn’t have people saying “girl you okay?” The illusion of being an influencer, doesn’t help at all. Who would have thought that adulting isn’t just about making ends meet and paying the bills? No but honestly, I am so grateful that we are in a time of the mental and spiritual health wave. 

  A spiritual awakening is just an awakening to your authentic truth. There’s a lot of cool discoveries to understand in the spiritual realm. 12:12 as I type this, but ultimately our souls came to live a human experience. As much as people may not want to admit this, spirituality can be a form of escapism and a great one. It can be a powerful way to make excuses and not actually take action to improve your life. You can be vegan, go to the gym, meditate from now till next year, you can tell me that God himself came down and gave you a word, and I will tell you that your own ego created that God if you don’t heal. 

   The first thing my mentor told me when I started my awakening was, “Natija your higher self is powerful but your ego is just as powerful, slow down!” Did I listen? No, I’m a Taurus so not for a while. Not listening hurt me a lot so yeah. She also told me that I started healing people before I fully healed myself. What I didn’t understand when moving into my own place was, I wasn’t done. I actually wasn’t fully even in a new beginning. I was in a transition period, a hermit mode to do that internal work at peace. I was not meant to avoid myself, when all I saw everyday was myself. 

  Having my own office, I found a new job and it was work. Boy did that shit hurt. As I told a client today who was focused on helping the world and starting her new business, it doesn’t matter how many people you help. That’s great for them and you’re contributing to the world, amazing. 12:21, as I write this, if you don’t heal yourself and prioritize your well-being you won’t even make it to help that much people. Either your health will slow you down, or the universe will start blocking you like crazy until you get it. Whether you believe in God, Angels, Ancestors, the Universe whatever, the higher power ain’t playing with the progression of this New Earth. I’m sorry to tell you, It doesn’t matter how many rallies you do, you will not be rewarded in the way your soul is meant to until you focus on you. The collective suffering is a manifestation of not enough people looking at their own internal darkness. You don’t have to look at the news to know that, you just have to look at the areas of your life that are blocked or you still perceive in a negative way. 

   So yes I went through some dark times and it was bad. But I have to be honest, I can’t say I used all my divinely guided resources to help me. A big part of my life purpose is breaking down codependency which has been a theme in my family for generations. My ex was a manifestation of that wound, as we both struggled with addiction. Here’s the thing about addicts, nobody tells a better sob story than an addict. They’re creative geniuses and can tell the same story 50 times in different ways. I think we all know this but addiction doesn’t stop at substance abuse. You can be addicted to drama, stress, and suffering. One of the number one fuels that keeps one going is having someone to keep exchanging the same energy with. I always had someone to listen to me, the more I complained and the same advice was spewed back at me, my life stayed the same. I stayed in this limbo. 

   Everyone has a different soul contract and life purpose. So our well-being and how we’re meant to manage that will be different for all of us. This was my solution which was right in front of my face. This was shadow work. I think it’s so interesting that something so simple as answering journal prompts that can change your life, is not as popularized as it should be. Hmm I wonder why that is, anywhos. Specifically Shadow work journals. Journaling in general is something that everyone should do in my opinion or at least keeping some record of the lessons one learns throughout life. That could also just be the writer and philosopher in me. But shadow work is something that feels tedious and silly but is shockingly powerful. The shadow work journals I recommend are: The Shadow Work Journal: A Guide to Integrate and Transcend your Shadows https://a.co/d/3y2al8X

SHADOW WORK JOURNAL FOR BEGINNERS: Shadow Work Prompts Journal and Workbook for Beginners https://a.co/d/gru7ju6

You can also just google shadow work prompts or self development prompts. Pinterest has amazing ones too. A lot of people fear doing shadow work because it does cause you to bring up things from the past. But the point is transmutation. You need to forgive yourself and everyone involved in that pain and state that. You have to tend state that you transmute all negative energy into positive energy or unconditional light and love, whatever feels natural to you. You should not finish writing strong emotions without ending it on a peaceful note. You have to state that you are making peace with those painful events.    Writing is one of the most powerful forms of manifestation. The law of attraction or any manifestation technique will not serve your highest good unless you do self development. They’re different forms of shadow work you may research as well. I do believe you can go to therapy and it will open the doors to healing, but I really believe that healing is between you and God. Which is also between you and you. You build a personal relationship with God when you understand your personal power, you can’t do that until you release those blocks to understanding yourself. A lot of people ask me, “how do I access my gifts? Or hear my guides?” This is how. “Why are these things blocked in my life?” This is why. It doesn’t matter what generational curse, reason or blockage you have. It is up to you to shift that energy, whether it’s through writing or some form of self introspection, often.    This brings me to my next point, the spiritual attacks. So I went though this time of feeling extreme insecurity. I could not figure out what I wanted to do with my hair, makeup, felt like I had gained some weight. My shadow was making itself known and screaming at me to do innerwork, which I kept trying to patch up with new hair and clothes. Insecurity directly comes from cracks in your root chakra. Your root chakra is your connection to the earth, your physical body being created from Mother Earth. Having cracks in the root chakra coming into the world is normal for many, because most past life experiences on Earth were not pleasant. So your wounded innerchild, your ego remembers that. Which is why your ego protects you by self sabotaging your experiences on Earth so you exit faster.    Your job is to face the things that scare you about yourself, and show your ego that nothing but unconditonal love exists within you. Otherwise you will come into this life and attract similar experiences from the past life. You will also come in feeling fearful of the Material world and you are also apart of the material world. If you reject the human experience, you reject yourself, your desires will in turn reject you. As a person of color, I see this greatly due to also generational karma of the Black experience. Having so many cultural wounds that were inflicted on us, we can see how those subconscious beliefs of inferiority result in a rejection of the world or self. It is still our personal responsibility to do that innerwork until we can see the world as a limitless place for all of us. It’s not about the structures in place it’s about the strong collective belief systems that manifest those structures.     Shadow work doesn’t always have to be in a journal by the way, if you aren’t doing the innerwork, the Universe is still always teaching you lessons. Earth is a school, and every experience is your teacher. The answer to each test will always be unconditional love. That may make some people cringe but you need to remember. Unconditional love is not attachment. It’s independence, it’s a choice for liberation and so is forgiveness. To love unconditionally, is to not take responsibility for anyones journey. It’s to have empathy, compassion, and curiosity for peoples acts but to make the right choices out of love, for yourself. In other to know true unconditional love, you have to love yourself first    . You have to make mistakes, know your shadow, forgive yourself and grow, to know others can do the same. Even if you forgive them or hold space for them, their evaluation is still between them and God or a higher power of unconditional love.   So psychic attacks can be seen as evil eye. I’m gonna be real with you, any negative energy that you are attracting is shadow within you that needs to be shifted. That’s it. I am not a demon slayer or here to scare anyone. People who seeing demons ain’t taking time to really see themselves. The only exception to this, is being a medium or psychic and seeing it on other people. 111 as I say this. This was my big lesson. So as I started understanding my lessons and doing the inner work I started a purge. Letting go of everything that was created by shadow. One of the last steps of my purge was going to a psychic convention. Now, I used to go to too many psychics when I didn’t need to at all. Out of all the psychics I paid for prob 2% was accurate. The real psychics I have went to honestly don’t need cards, or if they use it, they use it to teach me a lesson. I actually stopped relying on cards more recently. So when I was on the way, I felt off but I still went with it. My ego was leading the way. Ideally, I would have walked in, realized this wasn’t for me and walked back out. That was not my egos plan. I was in a stagnant place in my life and God was asking for patience and to trust, I wanted validation. This was a major test. So I went in and didn’t feel out the readers, there was one that had a bunch of “signs” on her board. Sometimes signs are warnings. As I remembered afterwards a dream I had of this exact moment telling me to let it go. Basically miss warned me of these negative energies and as she described the girl who was causing the issues. Realized it was me. The way she spoke to me at the end, she said “if you have the answers then why did you ask?” Cause I did have my own answers, that was a big fat don’t do that again from my guides. I had to look within and really release what I was holding onto to complete my year long transformation. Only I had the answers and only I could do it. I also knew what I needed to do 121 on my clock. I did find out some things I needed to clean up in terms of spiritual maintenance so good to know that. My close friend who is an incredible medium, had to help me close a portal that was in my home. We really just live in Hogwarts but that’s a different conversation. 123 on my clock, so Bulls like to take their time but when they do get it, things shift in big ways. Moral of the story, everything outside of you can be shifted once you take care of the drama inside.